My Life is a Joke

Lets all Give ABC a Standing Ovation

2010-05-03T19:54:00.001-05:00

She was right... again.

Tumblr it is..

Handsome

2009-12-21T20:31:00.001-06:00

uh

2009-12-21T20:29:00.001-06:00

We gave the cat away. I hated her. and her constant meowing. Also, I'm not sorry.

Ms. Marjorie Stewart-Baxter

2009-11-07T22:47:00.003-06:00

Crucified

2009-11-07T22:32:00.002-06:00

We bought Reverend his second monkey toy today and it's already a slaughter house.

Only in the sallaD

2009-11-07T22:06:00.003-06:00

Chris sent me this picture the other day and I just now thought it was funny enough to talk about again. Could be because I no longer think the pile of doggy Halloween costumes sitting in the corner of our living room are funny. The man loves a good deal.

Rape Assistant

2009-10-21T23:22:00.002-05:00

Visiting the Farm

2009-10-19T12:44:00.002-05:00

The DJ was serious

2009-10-11T23:56:00.003-05:00

Chris had some help from Mr. Evan Williams and together they showed off their moves on the skate floor.

Blading is Back

2009-10-11T22:31:00.007-05:00

I've been craving a little bit o dat old fashioned roller skating lately. Lucky for me Missouri has multiple skating rinks. Even more luck: for $3 extra you can score blades.

The Show Me State

2009-10-11T21:47:00.004-05:00

Meet Uncle Max.

We all know the reverent Mr. Weiss.

The molestation that quickly ensued after the two met:

This has been on repeat for the last 36 hours.

2009-10-05T10:06:00.001-05:00

I want it

2009-10-02T21:04:00.001-05:00

Chris showed me this video last night and I've watched it 20 times since then.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Already Hate Fall 2009

2009-09-30T20:38:00.002-05:00

Someone needs to work on coordination skills

2009-09-20T11:57:00.000-05:00

F-I-R-G-N-A Spells Virginia

2009-08-26T01:11:00.004-05:00

1. Chris ordered multiple PBRs in Stella glasses.
2. Virginia and Chris sexually harassed every taxi driver we met.
3. We didn't make it to the circus.
4. We did make it to a bar called 'Double Wide'.
5. Chris' liver barely survived.

Reverence Please

2009-08-26T01:06:00.000-05:00

After having puppy for a month, we finally named him. The Reverent Reverend Weiss. These pictures are from one of the first weeks we had him. I will update with new ones soon. And by soon I mean the next time I think about it which will probably be another month.

The New Dog's All White Call Him John McCain?

2009-08-09T22:08:00.007-05:00

I let him pee on my floor.

Somebody's brilliant at Scrabble...

2009-08-09T21:17:00.002-05:00

It's me.

Jump rope madness

2009-08-01T00:36:00.001-05:00

You're welcome

Zoo = Multiple Tantrums

2009-06-19T22:35:00.005-05:00

I've been throwing 10 year old fits to be taken to the zoo for the last month. My tantrums were not in vain. Thursday we hit up the Dallas zoo. A few things we didn't consider...

1. It was 100 degrees. Literally.
2. Animals hide in the shade when it's hot.
3. Animals smell like shit.
4. There are a lot of weird people at the zoo.
5. They don't actually sell the animals there.
6. Satan is real and he is an alligator.
7. Tantrum number two would be me wanting a penguin. I think I threw a shoe and screamed "If you love me you'll get me a penguin".
8. Kids are annoying and they are always at the zoo.
9. Tantrum number three: I want a meerkat.
10. A certain race of people that can't speak English and wear pocketless jeans cover 90 percent of the zoo area.

Lesson learned.

My New Top 5

2009-06-10T00:14:00.004-05:00

Calling all fans of The Wire: I'm having to update my Top 5 list earlier than expected this year and it's all because of the damn wire. Marlo has taken out too many men I thought could never be bumped from my list. He did it with such ease, passion, and ironically (but not really ironic at all) with a huge glock in his pants.

Ashley's Updated Top 5

Five: Matt Damon Bourne Series Style - For all of the obvious reasons. He's a lover, he's a fighter and he has a bad memory, like me. Also, he seems to always be wearing a tight gray shirt. I have a soft spot for tight gray shirts.

Four: Robert Downey Jr - The music video for Elton John's song I want Love did this to me. He is perfect...and wearing a tight gray shirt. If Elton John were smart he would have RDJ mouthing all of his jams. Oh God. I just watched it again. He won't stop looking right at me.

Three: Jerry Seinfeld - I've had a creepy crush on Jerry Seinfeld since I was 12 and first became obsessed with Seinfeld. I continuously see the people in my life as characters on his show. Even while wearing tennis runners, button down shirts, and high wasted jeans, I still love Jerry. Always funny. Always making fun of people. Always bothered by something. Never satisfied. I love him.

Two: MARLO Stanfield - Oh God. When I googled him (which I do randomly throughout my day) one of the image results described him as "Marlo: A heartless drug lord on The Wire". No wonder I'm so in love. Spoiler Alert--- They aren't over-exaggerating.

One: Al Pacino - Sorry, he's practically unbeatable to me. The drugs, the guns, the Godfather, the wine, the meetings, the suits, the killings, basically the whole mobster thing...it gets me every time.

Can't Stop Listening To....

2009-06-09T23:24:00.002-05:00

File Under: No One Is Surprised

2009-06-05T20:12:00.007-05:00

There is a Summer 2009 Pull Up Fest happening in our house and Chris had better pray to god that I win. Losing this competition will make me even more unbearable than I currently am.

Ps I started referring to myself as Stolla the Chola after I realized my fascination with chola brows. I'm pretty sure Chris should get credit for the nickname, but I get credit for being an almost chola. Hukups has a retarded back story that would require me to make fun of a lil bp. Maybe later.

pps keep in mind that I'M WINNING. Weekly updates will be posted. Daily if I'm doing spectacular.

Things I Hate Revisited

2009-06-05T19:49:00.003-05:00

I absolutely hate 'thankful posts'. Mama D said it best when she said, "People who publicly make lists about things they are thankful for are insecure and kidding themselves." That's a 80 percent quote. I don't remember exactly what she said but it was something along those lines. Thank god the newspaper industry is dying, journalist Ashley is never 100 percent.

So, in the spirit of not annoying everyone with a thankful list I am going to revert back to the old days. The days of myself and Ashley Creech writing hundreds of blogs about things we hate. Mostly because it's the funnest thing I can think of to do right now, but also because Ashley has been reminding me of how awful we are all day.

Things I'm Zero Thankful For

1. Skater shoes - They have never been ok. I have been saying this from the beginning.
2. The cops that keep arresting me on Midnight Club: LA. - How am I ever supposed to win a street race when I go to jail every 10 minutes? Correction: How am I ever supposed to win a street race when I suck at playing xbox games.
3. My debit card pin number - I'm getting it engraved on my wrist next time I forget it.

Speaking of John

2009-05-29T16:04:00.004-05:00

Where have I seen this before?

Oh.

Tip Your Cap To John's Tricks...

2009-05-29T15:58:00.002-05:00

and my amateur photography skills. Skills being defined as: I can push a button on time, sometimes.

He's Funny AND Romantic

2009-05-29T14:56:00.004-05:00

Me: "Where is the craziest place you've ever had sex?"
Chris: "The butthole"

P.S. This sweet pic was taken while we were rendezvousing at Chris' parent's house with the infamous Trent. I found a drawer full of footie pajamas Chris bought a year ago and matched them up with a scorpion belt he also owns. Probably because I'm a fashion master, but mostly because I'm an attention whore.

And again..

2009-05-29T13:40:00.004-05:00

I fully realize my inability to have any form of reliability. I keep saying I'm going to start blogging again, but then I decide to spend my day laughing at people who post personal ads on craigslist. Sorry for having no self-control. This time, like all the others, I plan on blogging at least weekly. Realistically I will probably blog twice, maybe three times, then go back to almost pissing myself over BBW looking for love.